Bonus chapter! And a collaboration too! I made this together with SnuffyBucket. It’s not canon… much 🤭 Enjoy!
Faith looked again at the letter in her hand. This was definitely the place; the guards had given her a good once over – probably never seen anyone quite so foxy in this stuffy, posh town – but they had let her through no question, fully believing her to be Lady Balderdash.
It had been a rollercoaster since Faith had fallen through that portal in Seth’s cave. After initially being concerned about how she might get back, she’d stopped worrying. Let that bastard miss her for a while. He was probably too busy playing with his seal, anyway.
Faith had stopped the first carriage she’d seen, seduced the driver then drained and robbed the sole occupant. Unfortunately, the real Lady Balderdash weighed about three hundred pounds so there was no way Faith was gonna be able to steal her clothing.
She hoped she didn’t stick out too much.
“…They are late.”
“Do… Do you think something could have happened on the road?” Guinevere asked, her voice uncertain as she looked towards Sarah. The older maidservant flashed her a grin in response.
“Perhaps the fair, elegant lady Balderdash no longer fits inside her carriage. Remember how they had to push her in last year?”
“Sarah! You can’t talk about a Duchess like that!” Guinevere gasped. “That’s horrible – what if someone hears?”
“You haven’t met her, honey pie. Trust me, she’ll leave an impression-”
The three of them fell silent as the doors to the castle finally swung open. Morgana straightened her back, summoning her usual poker-faced mask a she opened her mouth to greet the Duchess-
And abruptly closed it again.
“Lock up your husbands; Lady Balderdash has arrived!”
At the silence that greeted her, Faith re-strategised. The woman in the middle looked fancier than the other two so she had to be the ‘Morgana’ mentioned in the letter. There was something in her eyes; a glimmer of recognition, perhaps?
“Morgey!” Faith gushed. “What’s the matter? Don’t you recognise me without the extra two hundred pounds of lard?”
“Now… where are the knights at?”
In a room that was bigger than her whole house back in the ‘Creek, Faith was abruptly directed to the nearest wardrobe so that Sarah, who had been eyeing her mischievously since she’d arrived, could find her something to cover ‘her undergarments’.
Faith had protested that this was acceptable gear where she was from, but Morgana was having none of it.
“You will wear something decent, and you will wear it without complaint,” Morgana threatened. “You will not leave this room or see any of the knights until you do.”
“Ugh!” Faith moaned. “How the frick am I supposed to – wait, ‘frick’?! Frick, frick, frick. Why can’t I swear!?”
The coy redhead, Gwendolyn or whatever it was, who couldn’t even bring herself to look in Faith’s direction, whispered:
“Th- there’s no swearing in Camelot, Lady Balderdash.”
“Well, you can say ‘bollocks’, but only occasionally,” Sarah chimed in.
Faith heaved a huge sigh. Why was everyone always trying to turn her into a fudging nun?
Morgana’s closet turned out to be much bigger than it looked. She sat on a chair and watched as Sarah and Guinevere took out dress after dress and tried to sell it to “lady Balderdash” – with varying degrees of failure.
“How about this one, milady?”
“No,” Faith said adamantly after she’d been slid, squeezed and strapped into some red velvet number.
“I think you look lovely, Lady Balderdash!” Guinevere gushed.
“Then I definitely hate it.”
Forty minutes later, and this time in a pink, floaty thing that April would’ve probably cried over, Faith was losing what little patience she had.
“It’s… not terrible?” Sarah tried. Faith huffed at her expression.
“Fudging heck. I look like a shipping doily.”
“I think you look wonderful-”
“Ugh, Ginge. Don’t wet your bloomers; I’m not into chicks. Next!”
Faith had thought that it could get no worse, but somehow dress seventeen, with its frilly trim and bows that reminded her of drag acts and pantomime, was the ugliest thing she’d ever seen.
Morgana, who had been calmly watching the whole thing from her chair, took a long breath.
“What is wrong with this one?”
“What’s right with it?!” Faith yelled out in response. “Don’t you have anything even remotely scandalous? Low cut, short skirt – anything?”
“No, Fai- Lady Balderdash. I am a Princess. Not a courtesan.”
At that moment, Sarah suddenly perked up.
“Actually, I might have something…”
“There! What about this?”
“Yesss,” Faith hissed, running her hands down the tight, slippery bodice of her gown. “This is much more me.”
“S-Sarah, where did you get a-”
“Never mind that,” the maidservant grinned, a mischievous twinkle in her eyes as she interrupted Guinevere halfway her sentence. “Will this do, Lady Balderdash?”
“What do you think, Ginge?” Faith asked, but the girl’s scarlet-coloured cheeks were all the answer she needed. Now, only one person left to give approval.
“…oh, fine. It will do,” Morgana sighed, accepting defeat.
“Flippin’ finally! Now where are the knights at?”
Morgana had promised Faith a chaperone to escort her on a tour of Camelot. Faith was about to protest that she didn’t need a chaperone- but then she saw who Morgana had in mind.
“Lancelot, this is the Lady Balderdash. Lady Balderdash, this is Lancelot du Lac. He’s one of the knights serving under Prince Arthur.”
Lancelot placed his hand behind his back, giving the two of them a formal bow.
“A pleasure. What do you require of me, my lady?”
“I’d like you to escort the Lady Balderdash on a tour of Camelot. You will act as her official chaperone during her stay. Take her wherever she asks.”
“Front or back; I’m all yours.”
“…yes, my lady.”
“Lancelot?” Faith purred, hitching up her skirt and pushing her breasts forward as she stepped towards him. “And do you?”
“Do I what?”
“Lance a lot?” Faith winked. Lancelot raised a single eyebrow at her words, but did not respond in any other way.
Hmm. Perhaps he was a eunuch. Faith took a swift peek at down. The tightness of his trousers allowed her to quickly discount that theory.
Maybe he simply didn’t understand her modern lingo?
“So delightful to meet you oh genteel stud,” she cooed. “What say we start the tour by bonkething until the cows cometh home.”
Lancelot cocked his head, slowly interpreting Faith’s words.
“…you wish to see where the cows call home?” he asked. “Very well. Please follow me.”
Aha! She’d cracked the code! Now she could follow him to his bedchambers and he would…
No, wait, he was actually heading out towards the pasture. Well, frick.
“Will you be coming?” he called back over his shoulder.
“Unlikely,” she muttered. Maybe she could follow him, just long enough find her bearings and then she could ditch him and his bloody cows.
Besides, the view was nice from back here.
They passed a pub on the way to the fields and Faith spotted her chance, waiting until Lancelot was just out of earshot before backtracking, slipping around a corner and heading towards the heavy door.
Fudge him, she’d have fun in this shiphole town, one way or another.
It wasn’t quite the hive of activity that she was expecting, but there were men and there was booze, so good enough. There should be someone in this room who wasn’t stuck up their own ash.
Let’s see… the quiet, ginger guy? No, she’d eat him alive.
That burly blacksmith looked like he’d be up for beer and bonking. She could smell him from here, but she could work with that. Strong pulse, too…
“Suit yourself, Marcus. Go back to your missus. I could never be satisfied by a woman who doesn’t know what she’s doing-“
“So you need a woman who knows what she’s doing?” Faith asked, sashaying towards the table. Marcus looked her up and down.
“Yeah. Have you seen one?”
“Ha, bloody, ha. Keep it in your pants, brick poohouse, I’m interested in your friend here.”
She slid into the chair next to him, flashing him a seductive smile.
“Hi, I’m Lady Balderdash, but you can call me, um, Violet.”
“Remember that; you’ll be screaming it later.”
A wide smile spread across his face in response. He leaned towards her, his voice dropping to a suggestive growl.
“I might be the one screaming, sweetheart, but you’ll be the one out of breath when I’m done with you.”
Already there, honey. Screw the beer.
“Right, you and me, outside, now!”
“Why are you always the one getting lucky?” Marcus asked as he watched the two of them leave.
“Because I’m the one that knows what they want, Marcus.”
“Just wait your turn, Brickie.”
Faith followed him out into the streets, smiling as the tavern doors fell closed behind them.
This was going to be good.
Part 2 >> HERE <<!
Thank you so much SnuffyBucket for making this collab with me 🥰 I had a blast!